Calm like a bomb.

And so it is.  Just like you said it would be.  The colder water.



Just learned how to play an arrangement of this song recently.  If you watch some of his live videos, you can really appreciate why, although he doesn't have a traditional voice, the songwriting and delivery more than make up for it.  At least, that's what I think.  Second video down below that I am willing to tell you is likely worth your time.

Although I've had a LOT (thanks!) of positive feedback about this little endeavor,  I know criticism is out there.  People want me to know that posting how I feel about the pseudo-details of what I'm going through is lame.  Immature?  Not classy. 

All I can say is, I hear you.  I get what you are conveying.  I'm not stupid.  I get it... you feel it's better to bottle it up inside, and it makes you uncomfortable if I do not.  I guess I'm just not afraid to say what I want to say publicly, because I actually believe in what I have to say.  I do know that this blog makes me feel better.  It stops me from internalizing so much and carrying all that weight.  In a way, and this is kinda funny, it's like crying.  Letting it out.  I'm not the type to do that very often, but I won't pretend like it isn't a positive event.  Being that I'm not a substance-user, and I'm going through some shit right now, my outlets are music, physical activity, and writing.  I'm fine if I'm the only one who gets a little catharsis here.  And... if what I have to share resonates with anybody else and helps them gain a little perspective in their lives too... all the better.

So, if you hate that I'm doing this, I understand.  We can agree to disagree, or you can stop talking to me, or whatever you need to do.  I won't fight you on it.

Turn the page.

First twenty-four hours truly being alone, both physically and spiritually, I guess.  Just me, a half-empty apartment, and the puppy dog Great Dane, who I watch as she wonders where all the furniture she used to slobber and sprawl upon has vanished to.  Wish I could tell you I feel better off for it, but that would be a lie.  And this isn't a place for lies, 'cause if it ever becomes that, then what's the fucking point?

So just the truth.  I think the last days could have gone much better for me.  Yesterday, I was ready to put a smile on and call a toast and let the pieces drift slowly under the bridge and out to sea, unforgotten.. yes, but free to escape.  I really was.  Planned to do it up big and go out with a bang and just blow those preconceived notions about life "post-breakup" right off the grid.  I figured we could just create our own reality here.  Be like "hey... we gave it a shot and it didn't work out, but we'll be alright because we're too strong to let it go the other direction". Have a big party in our own honor, invite all the principals, everyone just be cool, and let's celebrate how half-full that glass looks, right?  Why should things be "awkward"?  What the fuck for?  Aren't we top percentile types?  Don't we do what we want?  Aren't we better?  Bigger people?  "Best friends", right? 

It's delicate, I guess.  It's a hair trigger, and maybe sometimes that means the gun goes off.  Opportunity wasted.  It hit me like a freight train.  Something subtle, something inconsequential.  An off-hand comment.  Suspicions.  A mannerism.  A quick reaction, perhaps thought to be concealed.  But so revealing.  Choices.  Preferences.  Priorities.  What likely should be nothing is actually, to be frank, a big "something" to me, because it's wholly indicative and illuminating of where said priorities exist.  And maybe they should exist that way.  Maybe that's for the best.  Maybe that's healthy and let's slash the cord and/or the hypothetical idea of said cord we've been using as a pillow for so long now.

Overreacting, Adam?  Maybe.  Who knows?  Shoot me down at your leisure.  All I know is how I feel.  I am a prideful, prideful bastard.  Sensitive.  Wholly resentful of ever feeling slighted, and I cannot run from it.  In a time when all I really have been grasping desperately for is just a notion of some kind of true fundamental respect... a little trust... the will to believe, I can't find it for my goddamn life.  And, as little of a thing as that may seem, the real truth is those little things are everything to me.  As emo as I am, ranting on my "blog" right now like a little girl, venting it out to the WWW, the fact of the matter is that I generally play it close to the vest.  The group of people who I will completely let my guard down to is very, very small.  And I'm not talking about who I'll share my feelings with, because I am not afraid to do that and reveal myself.  Clearly I don't have a problem doing that right here, right now, to everybody and anybody bored enough to browse.  When I say "let my guard down", what I actually mean is "trust you enough to believe you will not hurt me".  And that's rare for me.  So I desperately want that inner circle to be full of people who, when push comes to shove, are going to back me up and protect me to the end.  Because each of those people better know that, if they truly need anything, I'm hands-down the fucking guy to call and they can be CERTAIN I will come through.  I'm not going to lie and claim to be an unselfish person, but if it's important, and you need me, I will not let you down.  That's the core of who I am.  I want to believe the people closest to me believe in me and my dedication to being there for them when they need me most.  I want to believe in them.  

I don't know what is more upsetting to me.  Is it what I've actually lost?  What I actually had?  Or is it that I feel like I marched into the bank, withdrew everything I had, strode to a casino, arrogantly tossed it all down on the roulette wheel, grinned at the casual observer, and proceeded to watch it all flush away?  What did I bet on, in the first place? What the fuck am I fighting for, exactly?  My own stubborn, stupid pride?  My own preconceived notions on how things were going to go? 
 
I feel like I've been on another planet this last month.  Maybe I was asleep and dreaming, and I just woke up.  Maybe I've been blind.  It all feels cheap to me, generated at the behest of just a couple stupid situations.  But perhaps that's all it takes.

Penny-wise, pound foolish.

Don't worry (if you actually are), I will be fine... and sooner rather than later.  Now, if you made it this far... if you want to vibe with me emotionally... ignore the words you just read and watch this video the whole way through.
 
Perhaps we just need to get a little dirty sometimes, so someday we can appreciate what it's like to feel clean.  I hope that statement is less hollow than how I feel at the moment. 

Calm like a bomb.