Let's start at the genesis of this. Me, blog? But I'm the guy with snarky comments about blogs. I'm the cool kid, and blogging is for emo sissies. Why would I want to share my feelings and sensitivity with the dubya dubya dubya? I'm a rock. A fortress. A fortified position.
Or maybe not. The ship, sir, she be sinkin', and now we're all scrambling to see who can get over the rail first. What am I referring to? The idea of my present life, circa last week. Sorry, kids, the party is over, and unfortunately my 3-year relationship scooted out the door when it heard the cops were on the way. Was it my choice? Not what I wanted. Probably not what she wanted either. But, it's been brought to my attention that it takes two to tango, and, furthermore, both of those parties will likely have to be capable of dancing. And interested in dancing. And I'm not going to stand against the wall at the back of the dance with venom in my eyes, equal parts jealous and insecure.
So here I am, at the crossroads. Deep thoughts. I just realized I haven't been writing at ALL for virtually three years. It's a goddamn shame, because writing may be one of my better abilities. At least, it always was. Actually, let's be honest, I haven't really been "creative" since my last musical pursuit ended. Yeah, in early 2009. Terrible. I am in the process of changing that as we speak. This is part of that change.
We need some clarity here. Forgive me for being crude, if you're a virgin soul, but it occurs to me that two of the most honest moments in a man's life are when he A) just had sex, or B) just had a great workout (as in, exercise). Why? Because, in the case of A, he's now allowed a brief respite from thinking about trying to get "laid". I use the term loosely. If you're a man, just ask yourself... how much of what you have done in your life can in some way be attributed to a subconscious desire to attract, impress, or keep a mate? Even a hypothetical one. Yeah. If you aren't a man, you might not understand. Just take my word for it. As for case B, the endorphins a man's body releases when exercising grant him temporary perspective on what it's like to just feel good. After a great workout, that laundry list of problems just feels like it's half-sized and conquerable. It's really amazing how your life changes when you exercise regularly.
Now, being that I've recently had the misfortune to be lacking "A" for longer than you really even want to know, this year I turned to "B". In fact, the impetus for me starting to work out again was really to try and save my relationship. Things were not going well, and I couldn't understand why, but the only thing I could wrap my brain around was there must be something unappealing about me. So I set out to "change" that, whatever "that" was.
Well, it didn't work. However, it's been great for me on a personal level. I really wasn't all that out of shape, but I've lost over THIRTY pounds in half a year. I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and I'm eating better than I ever have in my life. It's hard for a guy my size to survive comfortably on 1700 calories a day, but I've been doing mostly just that for the last six months. At some point, it's just about sheer willpower. Do you want to actually accomplish your goals? Truly? Then go out and do something about it. That's what I'm in the process of changing in my life, and it feels great. In this case, it's about being dedicated to a gameplan, and seeing things through to their completion. I am not yet where I want to be, health-wise. It will likely take me another year. But, unlike the last 10 times I "started working out", I'm actually going to do it this time. I'm choosing to look like I want, and I'm not stopping until I get there.
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| Six small Asian girls! |
Speaking of seeing things through, well, I'm officially disappointed in what's gone down. I really had faith. I really had belief. Now that it didn't go the way I wanted, how should I feel? Was it my fault for trying? Was I stupid? Should I have seen this coming? Should I have left the ship via helicopter in advance, rather than be here in the frozen waters clinging to a broken piece of the mast? I don't really know.
There are some things that have gone (and are still going) down in the last week that are really threatening to cheapen my feelings about this entire three-year experience. I myself am not perfect, and I acknowledge that here and now. But it really sucks. "Logic" can go fuck itself. Painful choices. Think about it for too long, and it threatens to overwhelm me. Ignorance would probably be better, but it's not an option now. Things you listen to that just torch your ears as they come towards you. Words that burn your eyes just to glimpse. But I've been a moth to the flame. I'm going to change that. The armor I had for this world was discarded, but I need to retrieve it and suit up like a big boy. Get back on the horse and protect yourself.
Where do I go from here? Good question. I have zero interest in being single right now. Being single in Los Angeles. I have zero interest in trying to "get back out there" with the opposite sex. You'd think, given my situation this year, I'd be chomping at the bit. But I'm not. I'm in pain and at times that's going to seep through the cracks in my brave brave face in tiny droplets of blood, sweat, and tears. Other times, rushing out with the unchanneled agony that lurks in a sea of emotion. It is what it is.
Even though I've lost something here, I've also gained a companion. Luna. She's the sweetest girl you can imagine. We rescued her from a less-than-ideal situation, and, though she's a huge complication in my life, in general, I can't fault her for it :)
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| Luna wants to go outside. |
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| "Touch my dad and lose that hand, hippie!" |
So there you have it. I am back on the map, in body if not in spirit. Back out in the world on my own. No idea where the road leads next.
If you're a friend of mine, reading this, nice job getting through my wall-of-text :) I've been known to do that. I've never had a "blog" before, and I have serious doubts that anybody is even going to read this. I "know" a lot of people, but I don't necessarily know who I can count on (or who feels that way about me). I do want to thank my amazing family for their companionship, understanding, and support. I have some relationships with friends that have gone by the wayside that I really need to do a better job of putting effort into. We have no excuse. We have to put in the effort and make it happen, or we are friends in name only.
Until the next time I need to bleed myself out through this keyboard...
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