The Pleasure of the Pain

It's over now, and we don't know how to get it back to good.

Another great performance.  I've met and worked with the band before, and seen two or three concerts.  Nice guys!  I don't care what you anti-everything hipsters say, they're a good band and they write good, truthful songs :)

I'll probably be writing a lot here in the near future.  I need to.  If you think my ramblings and lyrics and music videos are annoying - I understand.  It's easy to close the window.  I'm sure in time I'll get back to posting the kind of sarcastic snark everybody expects from me.  But don't waste your time on me unless you feel you're gaining something back.

I think one of the hardest parts of getting out of a long-term relationship is the double-whammy.  Not only are you losing your "lover", who you presumably bared your soul to and whispered the sweetest nothings in your heart to for years, but you also feel like you're losing your best friend.  At least, in a healthy relationship you should be best friends and companions.  You should be a team united on building a life together that is greater than the sum of your solitary lives.  You need an unwavering dedication to the belief in the strength and longevity of that team.  This is what I wanted, what I was trying to construct in my life.

You truly find out who you are on the inside not when the good times are rolling, but in the valley of the darkest winters you might find yourself trudging through.  When the chips are down.  Are you going to walk away, or do you find a way to persevere and triumph?  You get punched in the mouth.  Do you fall down and give up?  Do you try to stand but fail?  Is failure not an option?  You find out what you're made of in your core.

For myself, I am learning a great deal.  This is a place to be honest, and I will be honest in stating that I am not perfect.  I put on a brave face.  But I am not proud of every choice I have made in this life.  Not even close.  I have regrets and I have made mistakes.  There have been times when I haven't tried, and there have been times where I coasted by on the good fortunes I was lucky enough to be born with.  There are times in my life when I feel like I have failed the trust of those I care about.  It hurts me on some level to utterly fail at reaching perfection.  But I feel wise enough to know that being a "perfect" person at all times is an unreachable ideal.  A pipe-dream.  You do the best you can, you learn from your failures, and you try to move forward.

I hide shades of shame, and I will not deny it.  I hide them well. 

However, after feeling what it's like to stand directly in the eye of a storm of "relative" catastrophe (in relation to how you planned things out in your mind) a few times now in the last ten years, I can say that I am proud of my ability to lay myself out there and believe.  I've been able to willingly drop the only shield I have between myself and the wolves lurking just outside my line of sight.  I've been able to trust and believe in another human being.  I've been able to extend my hand first and offer my commitment.  I've been able to bravely venture out into the cold cold darkness and seek out that small, flickering light of hope somewhere in the forest.  I'm probably more lover than fighter, but I'll be damned if I have not proven to myself that I will always fight with a cold and focused fury for those who I care about.  My circle is not very wide, but if you're in it, I am there for you.  

When breaking up, unless you were both just totally over the idea of being "lovers", and you're all about being mutual and moving on, it's going to be hard.  Whether it's absolutely real, or just emotional, somebody is going to feel like the knife is lodged squarely between their shoulder blades.  How do you lay down and rest your head on the comforts of friendship when you kinda feel like your pillow was doused in kerosene and engulfed in flames?  I do not have the answer.     

So then, read the lyrics for this song.  Is Rob Thomas spying on me, or are we all just tethered to a big wheel of commonality in this life?  We hold these truths to be self-evident.


Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good