Here is gone

And we wake up in the breakdown of the things we never thought we could be...

Onward she goes, life.  In the moment, it can be terribly present.  You feel hurt and it's so very unfathomable.  You're a sucker for punishment.  You almost want to live in it, to savor it.  I'm like a sponge right now, soaking up all of these raw feelings and hidden, wild thoughts.  I'm doing my very best to bend my will towards channeling all of this into something positive and creative and artistic in my life.  Sometimes it works.
 
At some point, however, after something "bad" and "transformational" has happened in your life, you might look at all of the pieces of yourself on the floor and you say to yourself "My my, Self, you're rather pathetic looking sprawled on the floor like a box of abandoned crayons in a classroom.  How about we get it together here before that janitor with the sideburns and the yellow walkman (rocking Billy Joel, duh) shows up to collect your spine and turn off the lights?"

That's me.  Although it might be tempting to continue feeling sorry for how I may believe I am knocked over and spilled to the four winds, it's not going to sustain me.  Life happens, and sometimes it sucks, and guess what?  You sack up, put on your big boy pants, and get back out there!  So, friends, if you're by my side on this ride, we're movin' on up.  To the Eastside.  To that deluxe apartment in the sky. 

Just 'cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.

Speaking of theme songs, let's talk about what I'm up to now.  Besides the joy of apartment hunting in Los Angeles, I've ramped up my guitar-based activity by roughly 3000%.  Eh, that's not even true, since I wasn't playing at all before.  God. Damned.  Shame. 

Who cares why or how... but I just wasn't playing.  That's over with.  I'm thinking back right now, and I can clearly recall a time in my dubious past when I was on a stage in some shitty bar in front of the general public, clutching a guitar, and playing and singing the theme song for something like, say, "America's Funniest Home Videos" deadpan.  Naturally I was using the Nickelback-guy voice for extra emphasis.  Reactions were 90% "uhh", 9% "wtf", and 1% "ADAM YOUNG YOU ARE MY HERO.  TO YOU I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND UNDYING SERVICE.  I ALSO PLEDGE THE SERVICE OF MY UNBORN CHILDREN, DIMINUTIVE THEY MAY BE AT PRESENT, TO YOUR ROCK CONQUEST".  That's fucking priceless, and rad-tastic.  I'm with you, 1 percent-ers.  Why would I ever abandon such a noble vision quest?

Therefore, I'm in preparations to start something (or some things) back up, because being a performing musician again is something I would love to be able to call myself.  It doesn't have to be anything big, because I legitimately doubt that I actually want to "make it" in the music business to the point that I would identify myself as a "real musician".  Playing music is just something that makes my inner child start grinning like a fool.  It's plenty for me to have a relatively small number of people appreciate something, on a semi-regular basis, that I truly enjoy putting out there.  I don't know what shape it will emerge as.  There are a bunch of things, musically, that I would love to pursue.  I'd love to be in a neo-classical metal band, for instance.  I'd also like to write folky acoustic songs.  And 90's rock is ole reliable.  Get it?  I'm twisted.

Right now, the issue would be vocals.  Either I need to meet a kick-ass vocalist, or I need to learn to be a kick-ass vocalist.  The latter is one of my fondest and most secretive fantasies (oops, guess I blew my cover), although it is not one of my natural talents, and I've never invested the kind of work and effort it might take to find out if it's even possible.  I've always felt like I can achieve most anything I put my mind to, but this isn't something I have 100% confidence in.  On the flip side, the day I bought a guitar at age 17, I struggled with it for 6 hours until my fingers were black and blue.  That day I was pretty convinced I would never be able to play guitar at all, and even told people that maybe I "just can't physically do it".    I've always been a player, not a singer.  I'm not a very good singer at this point in time.  Wish it wasn't so.  But it's an appealing notion, in that I wouldn't have to go "find" someone out there to try and hitch my fortunes to.  Unless it was a hot female with a great voice to play with.  That might be fun, for reasons that are obvious :)  We like attractive girls, we like rock'n'roll, and 1+1=2.. or more.  However, we can all be honest that this is about my ego, and in that situation my little boy ego would end up being bruised, because we ALSO all know that whenever there's a rock band with a chick singer, you don't even know who any of the other members are.  She's the "chick from ____ band", and they're the guys nobody is paying attention to any more :)


All in all, party people, I'm on the mend.  I'm out of the muck and the drama here, even if there are loose ends to attend to, and I refuse to let the dramatic muck drag me back in even if it tries something like that ever again.  Things are going to be just fine.  I'm playing music again.  My career is as good as it's ever been.  I am rounding myself into what I believe will soon be the best physical shape of my life (weighed myself yesterday.. under 180 for the first time in years... I was 211 at the beginning of May!!  10-15 more to go).  I live in one of the greatest cities in the world, and there are millions of people out there, and every opportunity and possibility I can desire.  I'm excited to renew friendships with old friends, and make some new friends shortly.

Here we go, life is waiting to begin.