The Pleasure of the Pain

It's over now, and we don't know how to get it back to good.

Another great performance.  I've met and worked with the band before, and seen two or three concerts.  Nice guys!  I don't care what you anti-everything hipsters say, they're a good band and they write good, truthful songs :)

I'll probably be writing a lot here in the near future.  I need to.  If you think my ramblings and lyrics and music videos are annoying - I understand.  It's easy to close the window.  I'm sure in time I'll get back to posting the kind of sarcastic snark everybody expects from me.  But don't waste your time on me unless you feel you're gaining something back.

I think one of the hardest parts of getting out of a long-term relationship is the double-whammy.  Not only are you losing your "lover", who you presumably bared your soul to and whispered the sweetest nothings in your heart to for years, but you also feel like you're losing your best friend.  At least, in a healthy relationship you should be best friends and companions.  You should be a team united on building a life together that is greater than the sum of your solitary lives.  You need an unwavering dedication to the belief in the strength and longevity of that team.  This is what I wanted, what I was trying to construct in my life.

You truly find out who you are on the inside not when the good times are rolling, but in the valley of the darkest winters you might find yourself trudging through.  When the chips are down.  Are you going to walk away, or do you find a way to persevere and triumph?  You get punched in the mouth.  Do you fall down and give up?  Do you try to stand but fail?  Is failure not an option?  You find out what you're made of in your core.

For myself, I am learning a great deal.  This is a place to be honest, and I will be honest in stating that I am not perfect.  I put on a brave face.  But I am not proud of every choice I have made in this life.  Not even close.  I have regrets and I have made mistakes.  There have been times when I haven't tried, and there have been times where I coasted by on the good fortunes I was lucky enough to be born with.  There are times in my life when I feel like I have failed the trust of those I care about.  It hurts me on some level to utterly fail at reaching perfection.  But I feel wise enough to know that being a "perfect" person at all times is an unreachable ideal.  A pipe-dream.  You do the best you can, you learn from your failures, and you try to move forward.

I hide shades of shame, and I will not deny it.  I hide them well. 

However, after feeling what it's like to stand directly in the eye of a storm of "relative" catastrophe (in relation to how you planned things out in your mind) a few times now in the last ten years, I can say that I am proud of my ability to lay myself out there and believe.  I've been able to willingly drop the only shield I have between myself and the wolves lurking just outside my line of sight.  I've been able to trust and believe in another human being.  I've been able to extend my hand first and offer my commitment.  I've been able to bravely venture out into the cold cold darkness and seek out that small, flickering light of hope somewhere in the forest.  I'm probably more lover than fighter, but I'll be damned if I have not proven to myself that I will always fight with a cold and focused fury for those who I care about.  My circle is not very wide, but if you're in it, I am there for you.  

When breaking up, unless you were both just totally over the idea of being "lovers", and you're all about being mutual and moving on, it's going to be hard.  Whether it's absolutely real, or just emotional, somebody is going to feel like the knife is lodged squarely between their shoulder blades.  How do you lay down and rest your head on the comforts of friendship when you kinda feel like your pillow was doused in kerosene and engulfed in flames?  I do not have the answer.     

So then, read the lyrics for this song.  Is Rob Thomas spying on me, or are we all just tethered to a big wheel of commonality in this life?  We hold these truths to be self-evident.


Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good

Hang

I've been listening to this song for ten years, and I feel like I just actually heard it for the first time. Wow.

ca-thar-sis (-n)

 Oh my god, where to begin?

Let's start at the genesis of this.  Me, blog?  But I'm the guy with snarky comments about blogs.  I'm the cool kid, and blogging is for emo sissies.  Why would I want to share my feelings and sensitivity with the dubya dubya dubya?  I'm a rock.  A fortress.  A fortified position.

Or maybe not.  The ship, sir, she be sinkin', and now we're all scrambling to see who can get over the rail first.  What am I referring to?  The idea of my present life, circa last week.  Sorry, kids, the party is over, and unfortunately my 3-year relationship scooted out the door when it heard the cops were on the way.  Was it my choice?  Not what I wanted.  Probably not what she wanted either.  But, it's been brought to my attention that it takes two to tango, and, furthermore, both of those parties will likely have to be capable of dancing.  And interested in dancing.  And I'm not going to stand against the wall at the back of the dance with venom in my eyes, equal parts jealous and insecure.

So here I am, at the crossroads.  Deep thoughts.  I just realized I haven't been writing at ALL for virtually three years.  It's a goddamn shame, because writing may be one of my better abilities.  At least, it always was.  Actually, let's be honest, I haven't really been "creative" since my last musical pursuit ended.  Yeah, in early 2009.  Terrible.  I am in the process of changing that as we speak.  This is part of that change. 

We need some clarity here.  Forgive me for being crude, if you're a virgin soul, but it occurs to me that two of the most honest moments in a man's life are when he A) just had sex, or B) just had a great workout (as in, exercise).  Why?  Because, in the case of A, he's now allowed a brief respite from thinking about trying to get "laid".  I use the term loosely.  If you're a man, just ask yourself... how much of what you have done in your life can in some way be attributed to a subconscious desire to attract, impress, or keep a mate?  Even a hypothetical one.  Yeah.  If you aren't a man, you might not understand.  Just take my word for it.  As for case B, the endorphins a man's body releases when exercising grant him temporary perspective on what it's like to just feel good.  After a great workout, that laundry list of problems just feels like it's half-sized and conquerable.  It's really amazing how your life changes when you exercise regularly.

Now, being that I've recently had the misfortune to be lacking "A" for longer than you really even want to know, this year I turned to "B".  In fact, the impetus for me starting to work out again was really to try and save my relationship.  Things were not going well, and I couldn't understand why, but the only thing I could wrap my brain around was there must be something unappealing about me.  So I set out to "change" that, whatever "that" was. 

Well, it didn't work.  However, it's been great for me on a personal level.  I really wasn't all that out of shape, but I've lost over THIRTY pounds in half a year.  I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and I'm eating better than I ever have in my life.  It's hard for a guy my size to survive comfortably on 1700 calories a day, but I've been doing mostly just that for the last six months.  At some point, it's just about sheer willpower.  Do you want to actually accomplish your goals?  Truly? Then go out and do something about it.  That's what I'm in the process of changing in my life, and it feels great.  In this case, it's about being dedicated to a gameplan, and seeing things through to their completion.  I am not yet where I want to be, health-wise.  It will likely take me another year.  But, unlike the last 10 times I "started working out", I'm actually going to do it this time.  I'm choosing to look like I want, and I'm not stopping until I get there. 

Six small Asian girls!

Speaking of seeing things through, well, I'm officially disappointed in what's gone down.  I really had faith.  I really had belief.  Now that it didn't go the way I wanted, how should I feel?  Was it my fault for trying?  Was I stupid?  Should I have seen this coming?  Should I have left the ship via helicopter in advance, rather than be here in the frozen waters clinging to a broken piece of the mast?  I don't really know.

There are some things that have gone (and are still going) down in the last week that are really threatening to cheapen my feelings about this entire three-year experience.  I myself am not perfect, and I acknowledge that here and now.  But it really sucks.  "Logic" can go fuck itself.  Painful choices.  Think about it for too long, and it threatens to overwhelm me.  Ignorance would probably be better, but it's not an option now.  Things you listen to that just torch your ears as they come towards you.  Words that burn your eyes just to glimpse.  But I've been a moth to the flame.  I'm going to change that.  The armor I had for this world was discarded, but I need to retrieve it and suit up like a big boy.  Get back on the horse and protect yourself.

Where do I go from here?  Good question.  I have zero interest in being single right now.  Being single in Los Angeles.  I have zero interest in trying to "get back out there" with the opposite sex.  You'd think, given my situation this year, I'd be chomping at the bit.  But I'm not.  I'm in pain and at times that's going to seep through the cracks in my brave brave face in tiny droplets of blood, sweat, and tears.  Other times, rushing out with the unchanneled agony that lurks in a sea of emotion.  It is what it is.

Even though I've lost something here, I've also gained a companion.  Luna.  She's the sweetest girl you can imagine.  We rescued her from a less-than-ideal situation, and, though she's a huge complication in my life, in general, I can't fault her for it :)

Luna wants to go outside.

"Touch my dad and lose that hand, hippie!"

So there you have it.  I am back on the map, in body if not in spirit.  Back out in the world on my own.  No idea where the road leads next.

If you're a friend of mine, reading this, nice job getting through my wall-of-text :)  I've been known to do that.  I've never had a "blog" before, and I have serious doubts that anybody is even going to read this.  I "know" a lot of people, but I don't necessarily know who I can count on (or who feels that way about me).  I do want to thank my amazing family for their companionship, understanding, and support.   I have some relationships with friends that have gone by the wayside that I really need to do a better job of putting effort into.  We have no excuse.  We have to put in the effort and make it happen, or we are friends in name only.

Until the next time I need to bleed myself out through this keyboard...

Landed

(courtesy of Mr. Ben Folds)


"We'd hit the bottom,
I thought it was my fault
And in a way I guess it was
I'm just now finding out
What it was all about

Moved to the west coast
Away from everyone
She never told me that you called
Back when I was still, I was still in love

Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye, goodbye, I tried
And I twisted it wrong just to make it right
Had to leave myself behind
I've been flying high all night
So come pick me up
...I've landed

The daily dramas she made from nothing
So nothing ever made them right
She liked to push me
And talk me back down
Until I believed I was the crazy one,
and in a way
I guess I was...

But I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye, goodbye I tried
Treading a sea of a troubled mind
Had to leave myself behind
Singing bye-bye, goodbye, I tried

If you wrote me off I'd understand it
Because I've been on some other planet
So come pick me up...
I've landed

And you will be 
So happy to know
I've come alone,
it's over

But I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye, goodbye, I tried
Down comes the reign of the telephone czar
It's OK to call
Now I'll answer for myself

Come pick me up,
...I've landed"